Kintsugi

Sometimes things break. Cars, bowls, relationships, even people.  It's just a natural part of life – unpleasant as it may be.

Every time something breaks there are choices to be made; does one get it fixed or not?  Sounds simple?  It’s not. As a matter of fact, it can be really hard trying to figure out what is worth saving and what deserves to be tossed in the trash along with the leftover tuna fish.

I’ve had a lot of things break in my life. My collarbone for one.  I was 7 years old and took things very literally.  So when the PE teacher told us to do a shoulder role I naturally thought that meant I was to run full speed down the mat and dive directly on my clavicle.  Not only was the incident a first indicator that Olympics gymnastics may not be in my future, but it also taught me not to be first in line anymore – if I could possibly help it.  My last name did start with “B” after all.  Anderson had a tendency to miss PE.

I also broke my two front teeth when I was 10.  Randy Lashelt was chasing me and in flirty avoidance, I ran into a parked car window.  He liked me and I was not about to get caught without some drama. The ancient pre-adolescent rituals of courting have improved over the decades I am told, but I do have fond memories and two permanently capped front teeth as a result. Interesting the things we take with us from our childhood.

Stuff gets broken too. 

We usually fix our broken chairs, garden hose, and headphones.  I mean, what else is duct tape for? We toss broken sunglasses, umbrellas, and coffee mugs.  Sometimes we can fix them with superglue but it leaves them looking as if they were broken and repaired badly. No one wants something that looks broken.

It’s hard when you break other people’s stuff.  They usually get angry. Especially if It’s expensive stuff. Like their lawn mower or new car. They can’t just say; “Hey, its ok…” It’s not ok and having to fix it is generally expensive. Again, superglue is usually not an option. But I will say, we’ve all seen the duct taped car fender passing us on the highway at least once.

The Japanese may have stumbled on a better solution to fixing broken stuff. They have a century old art called Kintsugi (golden repair) which fixes broken pottery with a special lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Beautiful seams of gold glint in the cracks of ceramic ware, giving a unique appearance to the piece. This repair method celebrates the pottery’s brokenness by emphasizing its fractures and breaks instead of hiding or disguising them. Kintsugi often makes the repaired piece even more beautiful than the original, revitalizing it with new life.

I learned a very valuable lesson about Kintsugi one day due to breaking someone else’s stuff.  My mother had this lovely large Bohemian cut crystal vase that dad gave her for their wedding anniversary.  It was stunning and I loved to watch it catch the sun and spin off the colors around the room. One day she asked me, age 10, to wash it out as she had fresh flower to put in it.  Delighted I lifted the monster to the sink and started my task. Just as momma said; “Make sure you don’t use really hot water…” we heard the ZING CRACK emanate from the vase. We both froze instantly knowing exactly what happened.  I was expecting the wrath of Zeus followed by screams of Hera to follow and braced myself accordingly. Instead, mother paused, took a long deep breath, and then pulled me close in a loving hug and said. “It’s only a piece a glass honey, totally worthless in comparison to how beautiful and special you are.  You didn’t know.  I never told you…”  She couldn’t use Kintsungi on the crystal vase but she certainly used it on my shattered feelings.

Broken relationships are harder to fix.  Relationships are built on trust and when trust is broken, those bonds get broken and it’s harder to put the pieces back together… but not impossible.

I have witnessed breaches of trust in marriages, ones that left both parties pretty shattered - more than a few nasty cracks. One spouse completely broke trust and waltzed off to Kansas with another Dorothy and got caught.  One would think Kintsungi would be out of the question here – but it wasn’t. It had been a very good marriage up to this point and there was honest repentance.  So after some well-expected months of emotional tsunamis, the couple drew together and began spinning gold into their marriage, filling in the cracks and fitting the piece back in place, creating Kutsungi. 

Not all broken relationships can, or should, be fixed however.  Some marriages are better in the dustbin.  Just ask Sophia from “The Color Purple.”  I suspect Jesus would not have stood passively by watching a man beat a dog much less his wife -  nor condoned physical abuse if the guy would not stop. 

Betrayal is brutal no matter how it finds you. It can be just as brutal as physical abuse as It leaves one shattered in the inside. It can come from a spouse, family member, friend, or business partner. Just this last year I watched a few once respected sales leaders in our company cruelly and recklessly betray their teams and steal from their uplines by jumping ship and trying to take the cargo with them. Ethics be damned. They had their motives justified by calling it an ‘entrepreneurial business decision.’ But it was, in fact, a selfish and unethical maneuver.  They may have made a few fast bucks up front, but in the end, they lost something more valuable than gold. They lost their reputation. Building Kutsungi with that betrayal would be hard.

My old pastor once told me that Trust is like a big basket of bricks. Each brick is an act of loyalty and honor. When the trust was broken it was like smashing the basket and having the bricks scattered about on the floor. It's easy to fix the basket (duck-tape of course) but it takes a long time to gather the bricks and put them back.

The heart is the most fragile part of our being. We don’t have songs about broken kidneys or spleens afterall.  Sometimes the break is so fractured that even industrial strength tweezers could not pull out all the shards and splinters to even try to attempt Kintsungi. Only God has those kinds of tools.

I recently had a very painful experience that resulted in shattered relationships. A personal betrayal by friends in a large organization where people are supposed to know and act better – especially those in positions of authority. Details are unimportant. Suffice to say, after months of enduring some vindictive passive aggressive attacks, worthy of what only a Jr. High gaggle of hormonal teens on a full moon could dish out, the perpetrators were exposed.  (Word to the wise, make sure no one is hanging around with their phone on video mode to provide undeniable proof.) Of course, there was the obligatory cover-up attempt by people who are not only paid to know better but under a moral obligation to do so. It was a mess. Left a bad taste in the mouths of many.

After the explosion, a few heartfelt apologies came forth. Being a sinner myself, I chose to accept them. After all, to hold on to anger would be like holding on to a hot coal and expecting them to burn.

But all was not as it once was.  The basket was smashed and a massive amount of bricks were scattered all over. It was far too much of a mess to sweep under the rug. Mending the basket with Kintsungi and putting the bricks back in would take a lot of work from both sides. Was it worth the effort? Was it truly even possible? 

It was time to sit back and really take stock. Now was not the time for me to get lost in wishful fantasies as I am prone to do. The good fairy of stupid maneuver removals does not magically appear and with a poof of her magic wand give everyone amnesia. We all know that nothing can ever turn the clock back and only a fool sets themselves up for more of the same old same old. Back to basics to figure out what to do.

Basic lesson  #1: Never confuse forgiveness with respect. I had lost respect for all parties involved.

Basic lesson #2: “When someone tells you who they are the first time – believe them.”

Basic lesson #3: The Stoics of ancient Greece taught us; “If you understand the nature of the thing you are dealing with, you will never be surprised”  In other words; if you walk out into the woods and come across a skunk, don’t be surprised if it stinks.

I looked at everyone involved and saw some basically good people at heart who got caught up in their own egos, ignorance, and supreme lack of judgment.   But looking to their basic nature it was plain to see they didn’t stop their behavior out of a guilty conscious or moral call to duty.  They got busted - caught red-handed.  Some of the team never even came to apologize. The truth was suddenly obvious. It was their basic nature to be vindictive – in other words; skunks. 

Wisdom was needed so I called my best friend to run things by her. She is an extraordinarily wise woman and never reacts in the way one would expect. So when she burst forth with; “Wow – something wonderful must be heading down your way!” I knew instantly what she meant.  Not all storms come to destroy your life.  Some come to clear your path to make way for better things to come.  My choice was suddenly easy.  I needed to leave.

So with a few tears, I closed a book on 20 years. With a deep breath in a silent prayer, I surrendered to the heartbreak of the situation and let it go. The golden time there was past and I had deep joy knowing I had been a major contributor.   No one could ever take away my all the wonderful memories nor erase the marks I left on others.

Softly I felt the threads of gold and silver spinning down pulling the pieces of my broken heart back together with whispers of a miraculous peace. Kintsungi. The kind only God can create.