The Tricky Wickets of Emotions

 👿    “I AM NOT ANGRY!” He furiously exhaled the words with a clenched jaw, his throbbing jugular vein was pounding in his neck with eyes all squinty as if the sun was burning his face. Yet there he was, professing to be calm. He had just come from what sounded like a fun family outing and yet everyone had gotten on his nerves – especially his mother. On the inhale he professed to be at total peace and acceptance with all of them (uh huh) and then he went back to the exhale with more of the same rage about their behavior.

This man’s emotions were clouded not only for that event, but unfortunately, his entire life was filled with anger. I mean nothing was going to make this poor man happy. All women were users. Charity events for truly unfortunate irritated him as there were just too many of them. Traffic was always bad. His boss always got things wrong, the dogs barked too much, and his church sang the wrong music. Etc. etc. etc. “I AM NOT ANGRY” That is what angry people sound like. Unfortunately, they are the only person who is not listening to themselves to see just how angry their whole existence has become.

Know anyone like that? I do. As a matter of fact, I used to be like that man. Lucky for me I had a mother who one day lovingly sat me down and asked me in a very gentle voice; “Honey, do you hear yourself? How you talk to your son? How you express your feelings to others? Do you hear how angry you are?”

Naturally I replied, “I AM NOT ANGRY!” The very second I heard those words come out of my mouth, I recognized what she was trying to tell me, and I broke down in tears. I was angry. Very angry. I felt hopeless. My life was not supposed to fall apart at age 46.

How does one fix this kind of anger? I knew I had been hurt with the divorce. I knew I was scared about what the future might hold. I knew I felt abandoned and lost, but where was all this anger coming from?

It was time to lay down the broomstick and release the demons. I desperately wanted to move on with my life and certainly did not want to turn into a crankily old witch who everyone avoided because all they did was kvetch. Clearly, I was on my way to living in the dungeon with the dragons.

Luckily, I had been raised to be a reader and personal development books were my favorites. Out they came and thanks to Kindle I could download and read 5 at a time. More tears started flowing as I uncovered the compassionate writings of others that lead me to release and peace. Looks like I was not the only one who had jumped off the deep end a time or two… Good thing there is a mattress down there with kind souls, hot tea, and a warm blanket.

Emotions are tricky wickets. “I’m never going back there again!” is not the usual or appropriate reaction to a nice day in the country with your kin when a pie comes out of the oven a little scorched. Something else is going on there… That kind of reaction feels right to the person flailing out the anger, and to them their actions are appropriate. Meanwhile, after watching the episode unfurl, the rest of the world smiles politely and slowly backs away checking their pockets for their car keys so they can make a quick getaway. Ever heard the term ‘loose cannon?”

So then, how can one tell if someone, or even yourself, is reacting appropriately, …or not? Pull out the ‘Let the punishment fit the crime’ test. One does not get pulled over for a speeding ticket and then get whisked off to do 30 years to Siberian that infraction. Another test in psych terms; “Is my reaction to the situation equal to the stimulus?” You’ve been here – right? You complement an acquaintance on her new outfit, and she smirks off with a reply; “Thank you – I didn’t get it from one of those fancy stores, like where you shop, but I think it looks just fine too.” Oh ok. phoof – where’d that anger come from? Passive-aggressive is anger BYW. Bet you knew that…

Actually, that passive-aggressive response is how some people with deep wounding will react when they unconsciously feel ‘fear’ which is caused by their insecurity.

But it can also be caused by great trauma that is embedded in your very core causing a cellular response. Case in point: It can be stimulated the simplest event. Ut of the blue someone comes up behind another person and strikes a match in their face. If all you have ever known about fire is that is one can cook a good meal with it, one is a bit taken aback by surprise, but are none-pulsed. However, if one has had their home burn to the ground, and someone suddenly lights a match in your face, you’ll not see such a passive response, and the person lighting the match might find themselves punched and thrown to the ground.

Emotions are not linear either. They do not stand alone in line like entrees on a menu waiting to be selected. No, They are interwoven and entwined with each other. Think of The Flying Wallendas trapeze act; individual entities are unpredictably being tossed through space magically hooking up to another entity, one who is also being flung through space upside down and spinning - all without a net.

To clean it up a bit; fear and sadness are primary emotions. When something bad happens to us, those feelings instantly arise. Anger is a secondary emotion. It shows its ugly head after the primary emotions are worn out. It tries to protect us but too many times it is, unfortunately, like putting on armor after the wound has been inflicted.

People change their feelings of pain into anger because it feels better to be angry than it does to be in pain. Pain hurts - ouchies whirling inside. Anger is fictitious power – ouchies hurled outside. This changing of pain into anger may be done consciously or unconsciously by the individual. It is usually unconscious as no one willingly wants to have the reputation of being a raging lunatic. Yet we all know them…

Anger can also turn into depression if it hangs around inside one long enough. Sigmund Freud used to say, "Depression is anger turned inwards."

Truth be known, Anger and depression are strangers to none, especially these days of Covid when everyone’s life has been negatively affected with fear, anxiety, loss, dread, loneliness, and general angst. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think anger is a useless emotion. Nay nay! It has many good and useful purposes and is a great motivator when one can keep it in check. After the infraction is over, however, that is when you need to look at the havoc it is causing in your life. I mean take a good look at this raging blob that has taken up residence in your stomach.

What is the way out? How does one move beyond the anguish? You are out of Tums, have truly tried to let it go and yet it churns quietly inside provoking your evil twin to wild daydreams. Is there yet one more feeling under the anger?

Yes. It is called grief. Grief is raw. Painful. A hurt beyond sadness. It has to do with profound loss and all too often, a departure of hope. Grief is not just about death, it is about loss.

Allow me to borrow some words from one of my favorite authors, Melody Bettie, as I intertwin her words with mine.

To grieve our losses means to surrender to our feelings. Surrender the deep dark painful aches of our soul. We try to hold back the tides of change, not because the change is not good, but because we have had so much change, so much loss. The sandbags of ache on our shoulders bringing us to our knees.

Not just in this time of Covid, but in normal life, humans going through the journey have lost much. We have said so many goodbyes. We have been through so many changes. We have had so much taken from us including our hope. When hope is gone, we are left emotionally destitute and in great peril.

Sometimes, when we are in the midst of pain and grief, we become shortsighted, like members of a tribe described in the movie Out of Africa. “If you put them in prison,” Denys said, describing this tribe, “they die.” “Why?” asked Karen. “Because they can’t grasp the idea that they’ll be let out one day. They think it’s permanent, so they die.”

I have been there. I know that feeling. Luckily, one day when I was having myself a nice pity party, a loving friend thrust into my hands a worn copy of renowned psychiatrist Viktor E. Frankl’s famous book; Man’s Search for Meaning. What an eye-opener.

Frankl knew this loss process all too well as he survived two Nazi concentration camps. What just totally stunned me to learn was his loving and compassionate attitude towards all that horrific treatment after he was set free. Even after losing dear family members, his wife, he was not angry and bitter. His book explained his revelations. He never considered himself a prisoner as he believed that a prisoner's psychological reactions are not solely the result of the conditions of his life, but also from the freedom of choice he always has, even in severe suffering. The inner hold a prisoner has on his spiritual self relies on having a hope in the future, and that once a prisoner loses that hope, he is doomed. Long pause… exhale.

A particular recounting of his stood out in my mind. The Americans were two miles away in the liberation march through Germany. Frankl and those in the camp with him had heard the rumors the Allies were coming for weeks. The guards had already abandoned the camp - just a few more hours and all would be set free. Yet because there had been so much torturous pain, a few Jews, strong people even though considerably unhealthy, refused to allow themselves to hope, and died as their delivers walked through the gate.

Many of us have so much grief to get through. Sometimes we begin to believe grief, or pain is a permanent condition. The pain will stop. You have got to trust me on this one. The Covid circumstances of your life will end one day. Beyond picking hope back up and putting her in your pocket, however, you have got to face your grief head-on. It is a must – the only door out.

Once, on a solitary drive, I felt a wave of familiar anger rise up in me. Yes, someone had been stupid and done me wrong a while back. My head, and ¾ of my heart, truly did the forgiveness ritual over the situation a few years ago - a few times. The situation left me devastated. My heart was broken, and I grieved for over a year at the loss I suffered at their hand. I knew however that when forgiveness is complete there are no more internal jabs, no more growls, no more “I AM NOT ANGRY” lurking about inside. Detachment means just that – there is no longer an attachment, bad feelings, rancor, energy of yuckiness hiding inside poking you, and thus no more emotional connection. “I AM NOT ANGRY” is considered an emotional attachment.

The jab was there and instead of letting it take me into an entire “As the World Turns” recap of the situation, I called Anger up on the front seat with me and told it to go away. I told it that it was not useful to me and it was not contributing any goodness to my life. Once again; ‘Being angry is like drinking rat poison and expecting the rat to die. With my rebuke, I felt the anger inside my heart make its final exit. It felt good. It felt powerful to be free.

Once all negative feelings are released, our feelings will bring us to a better place than where we started. Feeling our feelings, instead of denying or minimizing them, is how we heal from our past and move forward into a better future. Feeling our feelings is how we let go. It may hurt for a moment, but peace and acceptance are on the other side. So is a new beginning. Thank you Melody.

It is time to start again. To find our New Normal. Covid has taken its toll but it cannot take our hearts prisoner - unless we allow it. Slowly. Gently. With Great Compassion, feel the feelings, shed the tears, forgive the unforgivable as did Frankl, and move on to the wonder of what is yet to be.