Death of a Drama Queen

  

There once was a time I ran away from challenging times with a vengeance.  I would hunker down in self-pity and drama. Lots of drama!   Then I would plow through the perplexing events with blinders on repeating the mantra at break neck speed – “this too shall pass - this too shall pass -this too shall pass.”  until they did.  But I was a wreck and in the meantime did a nice job at freaking out many of my closest friends and family. Face it, some people major in Drama on and off camera… and I was one of them.

Midlife was not fun. Hell set in for about 10 years: Divorce, loss of home, loss of income, custody wars, loss of job, working three jobs at once, friends getting cancer, friends dying of cancer, family members getting cancer, family members dying of cancer including my mom and step dad, son almost dying in a car accident and a long recovery which will never be complete. My 40’s were not a walk in the park with George. I was Job – the Bible’s Job not Steve.

One day I went to my doctor amidst the mess and she gave me a depression questionnaire asking me to check off what life changing events had happened to me in the past two years.  I checked all of the above.  She came back in as told me I must had misunderstood the questionnaire – only check the ones that happened directly to me.  I just looked back at her with quiet tears rolling down my face. Stunned, she wrote me a script for an anti-depressant.  Well good golly, why didn’t I think of that?!  Sigh. No, what I really wanted was a magic fairy to make every bad thing disappear. Where was the script for her?

Denial and depression proved themselves useless years ago. Bribing God had not worked either – I had been a very good girl and He still didn’t deliver.  It was time to bring out great gun ANGER. Collapsing on the sofa after yet another terrifying occurrence, I raged at God and hurdled my shoe at the ceiling demanding that He just “STOP IT!!!”   I mean enough was enough.  Long silence..... Whoever said God would never give one more than one could bear never met this drama queen.  Apparently, He was not impressed by my two-year-old rant as tragic events just kept rolling along at a breakneck pace. What have I done to deserve this mess? WHY ME???? 

After another year of pure chaos, words from a wise friend found me: “Toots - some fairy tales just don’t have happy endings.” Time for a reality check. Lying in bed one night, totally shattered, I knew I had to give up on the magic fairy idea.  The prince in shining armor scenario had been laid to rest too.  Men have got their own share of drama and stinky feet. Besides, I knew I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than to be in one more toxic relationship. Things had to change or I was not going to make it. I knew that truth deep in my bones.  I could barely breathe. It was just me and the great void. Then I the words of the stoics came back: [para] “If you understand the true nature of thing you’re dealing with, you will never be surprised at the outcome.  The nature of a skunk is to stink. The nature of life is to have joys and sorrows.”

In essence, buck up kid. Instead of asking ‘WHY ME?’  The question should really be; ‘Why not me?’  Who was I to think that bad things didn’t happen to good people?  Who made me think God was Santa Claus who would reward me for being a decent human being?  Ok – my mom did but that’s a moot point now. I remembered there were many fine years of blessings beyond measure -  especially as a child. In the whole scheme of things life was just being life.  With that epiphany there was no more anger.  No more fight.   Peace. Acceptance. The words on my favorite author Gerald G. May spoke the truth best; “Peace is not something you can force on anything or anyone... much less upon one's own mind. It is like trying to quiet the ocean by pressing upon the waves. Sanity lies in somehow opening to the chaos, allowing anxiety, moving deeply into the tumult, diving into the waves, where underneath, within, peace simply is.” Surrender. 

With that epiphany also came clarity. Instead of fighting the current of events I put down the oar, sat back in the boat and allowed the current to take me where it would. God was with me. Not outside the boat being the Master puppeteer but with me.  He was the boat.  He was keeping me afloat, safe and dry. So much better than a fairy.  Gerald May again wrote my truth; “We may yearn to “let go and let God,” but it usually doesn’t happen until we have exhausted our own efforts.” Yaya… been there  - done that and sold the tee shirts.

And so it came to pass that the daily dramas finally ended. The Job years were over. Everyone that was sick had died. Mother left me a legacy inheritance that just keeps on giving. Kid was doing ok and I met a wonderful man with minimal drama and clean toes - so I married him.

When I look back on the Job years however, I can see that tragedy kept me closer to God. It kept my heart more open to others in need.  It inspired my singing to be a ministry and my writing to be an anchor of hope who were yet not as far down that path as me. Unfortunaly during the new happy days I stepped away from my daily dance with sacred activities. It was not a ‘Oh thank you - drama over - grab the goodies and run’ sort of thing.  More like a near drowned sailor washed up on the shore listening to his own breath still afraid to fully open my eyes - just in case it was a dream. My doctor called it PTSD. I called it Grace.

However, this past year life started doing its thing again.  Drama invitations started popping up all over the place. My knees betrayed me first.  Then my voice fell down the steps and I could no longer power through my paces. Heck – three steps were a challenge. It also didn’t help that I looked in the mirror and saw my grandmother looking back at me – larger dress size and all.  A dear brought me to my senses one day by saying: “Darling -  when you die, your grave markers will not read “She died a size two - It will read; “I met her, and she changed my life.”  

To top it all off, this year my Kid was back in the hospital and then forced back on the very drugs that almost took his life once.  Talk about a sucker punch to all of us. No choice with that one however as no one could survive the type of surgery he needed without pain meds. And all mommas know that when your kid hurts - you hurt too. 

Yes, this past year was time to get up off the beach.  But this is a good thing now.  No drama.  Don’t want any drama – don’t need it.  Respite over. When a dramatic invitation pops up I try to send it on a trip to find the good fairy. Then I step back into my boat – with nothing but faith, courage, and hope.  They make the best travel companions.

None of us knows what lays ahead my friends. Grace cannot be earned. God ain’t Santa.  He does not bless the good with a tragedy free life nor does he hail firebombs down on evil people. If that was the case, my dad would not have died at the age of 58 and some politicians would have been long gone in a blazing inferno and not be blabbing at me on TV. 

No, I have come to see that if everyone was completely honest with themselves, (a very difficult thing to do mind you), they would have to admit that they too had once walked pretty close to the edge.  And if it hasn't happened to you yet  -  brace yourself.  But don’t be afraid.  No one gets out of this world alive. Remember, the real point is not about surviving the bad stuff but letting it be your teacher.  It is also not about avoiding life, but rather embracing it . Carpe Diem! Take a deep breath and let go of the drama. Embrace he good, the bad, and the ugly, all the while trying to age with more grace than screams. Just go on in peace taking things; One day at a Time.  It is enough.