FORGIVE AND FORGET

I killed my husband’s favorite dog.  We had been dating 4 months and he had left me in charge of locking Shiloh in his cage when I left for work as he would not be back until after I had gone. Seeing that the garage was dark and the cage old, I did the best I could to secure Shiloh as I left for school.

Upon my return, I opened the garage door and much to my surprise, there stood Shiloh at the garage opening posing a ‘Call of the Wild’ stance. Indeed, he was part wild - this stunningly beautiful White Huskey with steel-blue eyes that were distant as sapphires under a sea of ice. He was now free not about to be subdued. It was a standoff to be sure – and by the looks of it, I was sure to lose. Jim had told many a story of Shiloh’s reluctance to join the pack after he was rescued. He often had thwarted Shiloh’s escapes by the keen ex-Army Ranger trapping skills. 

I had to think fast – instead, I froze in fear as I knew how much this dog meant to Jim. You see, what first attracted me to Jim was a picture I was shown of him surrounded by two furry creatures. Attached to the back of the picture were the words; “I have a soft spot in my heart for puppy dogs.” What woman could resist that line? We met a few weeks later and instantly fell into like. I mean, what was there not to like about this handsome military retiree who rescued dogs after his divorce instead of hanging out at bars?  Jim would give most of them to new homes after he nursed them back to health.  Shiloh he kept. I even forgave Jim for misleading me on our first few dates. He told me he only had two dogs when indeed there were four. He was waiting until I was ‘hooked’ until he came clean.  I let his concealment pass as I had a few “...and oh by the way’s…” of my own in my closet.  

A car horn snapped me back to attention as Shiloh made a dart past me and took off heading towards the neighborhood. I chased after him but saw it was useless. Remembering how Jim would lure the dogs into the cages with doggie biscuits I ran back into the garage to grab one. By the time I ran back out I raw Shiloh had changed tracks and was heading towards the busy road in front of Jim’s house.

The sound of brakes screeching and the deadening thud was unmistakable. No more need to run. There he lay in the middle lane. No one stopped as I made my way to him. Frozen in time I was grateful an officer showed up and made the area safe as he lifted Shiloh into his truck and drove him to Jim’s home.

My son was not quite sure at first who the hysterical woman was on the other end of the phone blubbering; ‘I killed his dog!!  I KILLED HIS DOG!!  WHAT DO, WHAT I DO???”

“….Mom, is that you???”

Gasp for air and another round ensued for at least five minutes I am sure.

“Calm down Mom.  Hang up and call Jim.  Ok, breathe, and then hang up and tell Jim to come home – tell him Shiloh got out and was hit by a car.”

“What happens if he never talks to me again???  I Killed His Dog!” I kept repeating.

“We can’t undo the past mom. Take responsibility for not closing the cage as tightly as it should have been. Apologize. Move forward and hope for the best. You will see who he really is by how he handles this situation. Ok???  You there?? Ok. Breathe. I love you. Bye”

Don’t you love it when your kids turn out good and wise?  

I did just as my son told me. Jim was understandably shocked and left work early. Without talking he put Shiloh in his truck, and we went to the veterinarian’s office to surrender Shiloh for cremation. I paid the bill without any argument. There was no conversation between us. No eye-contact. Nothing.

When we got back to the house Jim went upstairs telling me he needed to be alone with the two other dogs.  I could hear him sobbing upstairs.  I gave him his space, sat on the sofa with Lucky, the rescued street dog who stayed with me trying to comfort me as I cried myself to sleep knowing I had blown it with this very special man. Had Lucky not been so clingy I would have got up and driven home that night, but there was also a part of me hoping Jim would come down to talk. He did not.  The coldness in the air was as obvious as an iceberg.

Jim and I were not living together but I had a few things in the spare closet upstairs. When he was getting ready for work early the next morning, I gathered them up and went down to place them in my car. I knew our relationship was over, that this was a trespass too great to be forgiven and forgotten. Jim came down the steps and saw me carry the last load and asked me what I was doing.

“I’m leaving.  I know how much you loved this dog.  You both have been together for such a long time and you and I just met.  I’m very sorry for what happened Jim.  My hands weren’t strong enough to totally latch the gate, I was in a hurry and he got out. As a result, he was killed, and I am at fault.”

Jim nodded. Then after a long awkward silence he said; “I loved him very much and need to grieve him.  He was a very special puppy dog.”

Silence. There was my fate – handed to me on a truthful platter.  All my wild daydreams about finding Prince Charming poofed away with his nod.

Then continued;” I forgive you Susan. The cage was old and tricky to lock.  He was an elusive creature to be sure – I am not sure anyone would ever own him as he just wanted to be free.  I will greive him for a long time, but Shiloh was just a dog and you are an incredibly special lady who I want to keep in my life. I choose last night to put my anger behind me, to forgive and forget and never bring it up again. Let us move forward.” And we did.

Jim and I later married and in the nine years that followed he was true to his word and has never brought up that incident. Ever. He told me that in his previous marriage his shortcomings and life infractions were forgiven but never forgotten. In times of tension they were constantly thrown in his face. That is no way to live.   He never wanted to do that to me, or anyone else for that matter.  He was true to his word.

Life’s relationships, by their very nature, bring on situations where people will screw up and hurt each other. It is part of the human condition. Hopefully, we live and learn and never repeat them. So often we say we forgive each other, but we do not forget. Instead, we store up pains of past goobers like bullets to be loaded and fired out in rapid-fire succession as if they could ever reach a target for a permanent kill. They cannot.

Why do we do it then? Why is it so hard to say we forgive with one hand while the other hand refuses to forget another’s infraction? Perhaps it gives us a false sense of superiority? Maybe some try to protect themselves from getting hurt by continuously firing cannons to keep the other at bay yet still connected. Maybe it fools us into subconsciously thinking we can control our partner.  The bullets of shame and guilt work well here but they are reserved for the childish and cruel at heart.  Whatever the reasons they are not loving, nor kind, nor good for your sanity or soul.

Remembering crimes of the past hurt both parties. I had known that fact for some time and yet, back in the day, it did not stop me from being a Ninja Master at slinging the arrows of past infractions at my ex-husband. Being filled with rage I was willing to forgive him but not forget his dastardly deeds. I had been harmed!  I had been mistreated, cheated, abused, and whatever pain that existed still lived in my heart was taking up valuable room there. I did not know back then that you can’t put sugar in a jar filled with mud, which is another way of saying; a heart filled with anger cannot find true happiness.

The change came one night when my mother took my young son and me to see C. S. Lewis’: ‘The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe”   In this story the younger brother, Edmund, betrays his brothers and sisters and indeed destroys an entire country through selfishness and greed. Actually, Edmund sells everybody out for a cookie because he is a spoiled brat – a personality trait that everyone seems to overlook. Edmond however is sorry and then becomes redeemed by the sacrifice of Aslan, forgiven, and humbly reconciled with everyone.  End of movie and everyone was happy, yet I was enraged!   “He must pay! He is a traitor and jerk!  You just can’t forgive him, let it go as if nothing ever happened!!” 

Yet redemption did happen, and I wanted it too.  I wanted that peace, that freedom, that deliverance from the pain of past hurts. All those years I said I had forgiven him, but the rage still festered. Then it hit me, I was still eating the rat poison and expecting the rat to die. Something had to change – and it looked like it would have to be from my end. 

With that movie I came to see that true forgiveness requires one to forget also. To let it all go. To pray the entire Lord’s Prayer and release the past. So later that night I said a quiet prayer releasing all to the Holy Spirit by saying;” Jesus take the wheel. You died for us both of us.  Help me forgive him as you forgive me. And help me forget.” With that prayer, the chains inside my heart were lifted and the mud spilled out of the jar. Ok – so it took a few more prayers to keep the jar clean but soon I was free.

We cannot make it through life’s relationships without scars. Direct and collateral damage is just a part of any relationship because we all are human, and we all make mistakes. We leave the cage door unlatched every now and then, and sometimes precious things get broken. Sometimes something very precious dies because of our negligence and we must accept that fact with grace and let it go. If it was truly ours – it will return to us in peace.

The 8^th Step in AA tells people to: “Make a list of all persons you had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”  That does not mean all people will accept your amends, or even be willing to listen. Sometimes you are wise to ask the Holy Spirit to do the asking for you as the deeds may have been extreme. Some people may say they accept but then may choose to still try to control you through guilt, or to shame you saying forgiveness is possible, but not forgetting.  That is called manipulation. Walk away You did your part. Best to get out. It takes two to have a healthy relationship. If Jim would have held Shiloh’s death over my head, we never would have made it.

We live in a tumultuous time of unbridled rage, confusion, and anger where forgiveness seems next to impossible. There are many complicated emotions and situations that no one on earth can solve single-handedly. Lovers hurting lovers, neighbors hurting neighbors, races hurting other races. Some even say we are at the brink of anarchy due to these transgressions and no one is willing to budge an inch.

It is a fact of life however that no one lives in this world without being hurt by another, without an injustice being thrust their way, without cruelty wounding us in some fashion at the hand of another. We all have our stories to tell and concerns to be addressed.  Some are so terrible that it is our duty to make sure we do everything to make sure they never happen again. But threats, coercion, political manipulations and alike will only lead us into more crimes of the heart and depravations of the soul. They are not the road to redemption and reconciliation.

There is something we all can do however to bring peace back into the world and that is to individually make choices of; love rather than hate, understanding rather than ignorance, compassion rather than indifference. In all of our interactions, if we all would just take the time to let love be stronger than our belief system, we could change the world into a loving caring place.  Then all of us can find forgiveness as we all are guilty of the lack of Love.